Jay Lubiansky

REASONS WHY TIMOTHY ELDRIDGE ISN’T ALLOWED TO BLOW UP THE SUN

 

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Eldridge:

Please sign and date below Timothy’s notes to confirm that you have seen at least TEN (10) self-explained reasons why we will not allow his science project in the fair this year.

Ms. Diane Chalmers

 

— Because we depend on the sun for pretty much everything
— Because the United Nations would be on our asses in a second
— Because it’s “morally wrong”
— Because Ms. Chalmers isn’t a real scientist; she doesn’t take risks, she likes to play nice and safe, with her test tubes and frog dissections
— Because it would put me on the mass-murderer scale on par with Hitler, which is socially frowned upon
— Because it wouldn’t be fair to the other kids who can’t blow up the sun because there’s only one to blow up
— Because it’s not a “recognized learning technique” in the curriculum
— Because it might anger some powerful, technologically advanced aliens
— Because I totally would have won the science fair, and the nerds wouldn’t be able to handle that, and the only way they’d have to express their frustration is marathon sessions of Dungeons and Dragons and masturbating to reruns of She-Ra
— Because Marcus Crandall did it last year

 
 
_________________________________        ________________________________

 

 

THE PITCH

 

Boy meets Girl
Boy loses Girl
Boy decides to get Girl back
because Girl is hot
(And maybe he’s in love)

Also, the only way to save the planet
is for Boy and Girl to have sex
for some reason
(This way, if we want to include a sex scene later on…
it’s not gratuitous)

Boy tries to win Girl back
by impressing her family
which is a crime syndicate
(Even the grandma; no, especially the grandma)

The syndicate-family is in a turf war
with another syndicate made up of mutants
They have shark-heads instead of human ones
but they’re still human
but with shark-like tendencies
like a hatred of seals

Boy becomes gun runner for the syndicate-family
mostly in and out of Brazil
but he screws up his job
because we find out he’s a recovering addict
He was addicted to Brazil nuts
and now there’s just so much temptation

A shipment doesn’t come in on time
because he was high on Brazil nuts
so the syndicate-family decides to whack him

But he gets help from his nut-dealer
and they escape to France
That’s where his dealer is from originally
(His name is Pierre)

In France, Boy meets a different girl
named Angeline
who teaches him how to live and love
and she’s French, so the sex is pretty dirty
(We could put a sex scene here too)

But the syndicate-family
who controls the CIA
has Angeline shot
but Boy escapes with his life

Boy realizes the best defence
is a good offence
So he assembles a ragtag group
to help him kill the syndicate-family (except for Girl)

Ragtag group includes:
Angeline’s twin sister Evangeline;
Boy’s nut-dealer Pierre;
one of the shark-people;
a crazy Russian guy who, it turns out, is a pilot;
the Russian’s twin Ukrainian brother, who’s dating Evangeline (sex scene);
the members of a Sex Pistols tribute band;
a potato that was put into a microwave
and the radiation gave it legs and now it talks
(I’m thinking it should be voiced by Mark Wahlberg…
that’s who I think of when I hear
“irradiated talking potato”);
Albert Einstein’s lesser-known brother Alfred;
a Chinese guy;
and two or three other people
who die really quickly
without any real character development
That way, we can see Boy’s emotional side

There’s a big gun battle
and most of the ragtag group dies
(The talking potato just disappears)
but so does the syndicate-family

And Boy runs off with Girl
to the Russian guy’s fallout shelter
(And he’s dead, so he won’t need it)
but then the shark-syndicate shows up
and they have a nuclear bomb they got from some Libyans
(We can change this, if we think Libyans will get offended)

And they’re gonna blow this shithole right to the ground
unless someone tells them where Boy and Girl are
because it turns out that Girl is important to them
because she’s a scientist
that was developing a cure for shark-headedness
But they don’t want the cure
because they’re okay with who they are
and that makes them pretty on the inside

But everyone who isn’t dead
doesn’t know where Boy and Girl are
So the shark-people blow up the joint
and everyone in the entire world dies
(Even the Libyans)
except for Boy and Girl

They’re tasked now with repopulating the Earth
and it’s revealed
right at the end of the movie
that their names are Adam and Eve

FIN

 

P.S.: Also, this opens up the possibility of a sequel
where the entire world is ridiculously inbred
(And we could bring back the Mark Wahlberg potato)

Untitled

 


 

Jay Lubiansky has seen every inch of Winnipeg, because he’s a courier. (Your backyard is filthy.) He also works at a radio station. (Your taste in music is terrible.) He also also attends university, where he learns about the effects of maritime culture on Ancient Minoan civilization zzzzzzzzzzzzz … He doesn’t walk his dog as much as he should.